My Match.com “Blind” Date

I once went out on a date with someone who did not include a picture in his profile…once.

It was early on in my career of online dating. I was almost 28 years old and decided to use Match for a second or third time. I wasn’t having any luck and was online trolling, which means I was clicking on mens profiles so they would see that I viewed them and hopefully write me (a practice I don’t do anymore because it seems passive). An email from a user popped in my inbox and I viewed his profile. There was no picture. I forget why I wrote him back, maybe there was something in his profile that intrigued me. We went back and forth via email for a short time that night and he asked me for my number. I gave it to him and we chatted on the phone for a couple of hours. I remember being excited about him over the phone, and agreed to meet him sight unseen. I will call this guy Lizard Tongue.

This guy seemed like a good match via the phone. We had a great conversation. I remember him telling me that he was semi-pro in tennis, and I was intrigued. The next day things went to shit. I was in class for my certification to become a paralegal (I received my undergrad in Broadcasting in 2000 and after a few years decided I wanted to go into the legal field). I was sitting in class and we texted a bit back and forth, but I stopped for a bit to pay attention in class. This set off alarm bells for Lizard Tongue. He wouldn’t stop texting me and wondered why I wasn’t in constant communication with him even though I explained I was in class. I’m not sure why, but I took this as proof of his excitement to go on a date with me. I was 28 years old and hadn’t yet learned to identify pure neediness.

After class, he called me and I picked up. He wanted to talk on the phone for another couple of hours. During the conversation, he asked me several times if I was excited to go on our date. The first time I answered truthfully, I was excited. The second, third, and fourth time he asked I was becoming slowly less and less excited. He suggested that when we first see each other we should hug, and I agreed (which is odd for me since I don’t like strangers touching me). Warning bells were starting to go off for me, but I didn’t cancel the date. I wanted to get off the phone because he was causing me communication overload. I told him that I was busy and subtly suggested we hold off on communicating further until we were on the date. He agreed, but told me that he was driving from Delaware (an hour away from where I lived) and would need help with directions. I wanted to meet him at a restaurant; however, he asked if he could meet me at my house and go to the restaurant together since he wouldn’t want me sitting and waiting for him. I told him that I could give him directions to my house (note: this was in 2006 when maps existed on the internet). At the time, I thought he was planning on calling me before he left his house, but didn’t call me until he was getting off of the highway. He asked me to talk him through getting to my house while he was driving the f’ing 15 minutes from the highway to my house. I obliged. There was all of 4 turns to my house from the highway. Only one turn was a left hand turn.

This is a representation of our conversation:
Me: “Go straight until you hit blah blah street and turn right.”
Lizard Tongue: “I am at bouyah street. Do I make this turn?”
Me: “No, you will go straight for 6 more lights until you hit blah blah street.”
Lizard Tongue: “Ok. (Pause). I hit tiddly dee street. What do I do?”
Me: “You have 5 more lights. You will hit blah blah street. Then you turn right.”
Lizard Tongue: “Ok. I’m at hinky dinky street.”
Me: “You have 4 more lights ‘til your turn.”

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. I think Lizard Tongue could hear the irritation in my voice and stopped asking every light at some point.

He arrived at my house and gave me a hug. I think he could see the disappointment in my face since he was not attractive in any way. I figured I would give this guy a chance and focused on having positive thoughts. We had wonderful phone conversation the previous night; how could he not be a halfway decent date? Oh so young and stupid was I. Dinner was a chore. At the end of dinner we went back to my place. We talked for a short time.  I felt bad sending him home after an hour since it took him an hour to drive to my place.  In a joking manner, I grabbed at his baseball cap and said he should take it off. My MISTAKE.  He grabbed the brim of his hit and said gruffly, “NO.”  Ah, a bald guy, I see.  After a bit, he went in for the kiss.  My young and stupid self decided to go with it, but soon realized it was a mistake. He had a lizard tongue (his tongue either jutted out and forced its way into my face over and over and/or he left it out like a small child sticking his tongue out at an enemy).

I pulled back and just looked at him. He said, “I’m a good kisser, right?” I just stared and contemplated my next move. I said, “I’m not over my ex-boyfriend. I’m sorry, I’m just realizing this now.” He tried to argue with me a bit, but I put my hands on him and rushed him out of my house. He asked me if I would call him tomorrow, and I just said “yes” to get him out of my house. He then asked me to again walk him through getting back to the highway, which I did. The conversation mirrored the conversation outlined above…except he kept asking me whether I would call him tomorrow and everyonce in a while added “Are you sure?”

I never called.

I did have another blind date set up by one of my friends later in life. That wasn’t a good date either, since he was weird and unattractive. During that date I kept thinking about my date with Lizard Tongue and how I didn’t learn a very valuable lesson: DON’T GO OUT WITH PEOPLE UNLESS YOU EITHER VIEWED A PICTURE OR SEEN THEM IN PERSON.